Of gratitude. Of whatever happens.

“Será que, se aceitarmos com gratidão o que a vida nos traz, vamos sempre chegar aonde nos esperam?” | “Could it be that, should we accept with gratitude whatever life brings us, we’ll always get to wherever we are awaited?” - J. Saramago

If you could completely reinvent your life, how different would it be? How much would you change from what you currently have? And why? How would whatever you pick be ‘better’ than what you currently have?

I have never believed in concepts of justice. I do not think there are coincidences in life or that things happen for a reason. I do not believe that we ‘deserve’ something based on what we do. Doing good deeds won’t bring a better life. Being unethical can often get you ahead, short-term, even - and this can bring us to complex decisions. Could we do something that our sons wouldn’t be proud of to simply get ahead? But what if doing the right thing is foolish, at times, as nobody would even know about it and it may at first glance be harmless? What does it all matter? Why should we care?

This dilemma is exactly why we need to act in a moral way, no matter what happens to us. It’s that ability to hold our head up high and still keep pushing for the right that defines us as human being. The belief that we can do better and act accordingly. Not being corrupted. Doing good, always.

I genuinely believe that we are all inherently good. That we try. But, as we navigate through life, we also understand how random the world can seem - at times, it might even seem like it’s against us. We keep trying but others hurt us. We keep trying but others get ahead. Others are in a better place because they took advantage of the system. And others will trample over us if that’s beneficial to them. It’s only natural to feel disheartened and to resign. To get bitter or angry with the world. It’s like we’re personally being targeted when we feel like we deserve more. Only, that’s not quite the case, most of the time. The world is indifferent to us. It doesn’t really care, no matter if what happens is good or bad.

A few weeks ago, I thought I was leaving Sweden without a job, poorer, and one year older. No matter how many applications I sent, things weren’t happening. I was very broke, heartbroken, and resigned to the thought I was going to have to return to Portugal and keep trying from there. Maybe the big change I had imagined wasn’t to happen. And, well, that was ok. The world wasn’t against me.

Until, on the 28th of May, everything changed. I got an offer for an incredible job, only in a place I felt wasn’t where I wanted to be. It meant going back to a lifestyle I was trying to break away from. To the nomadic life, the difficult scenarios, the jumping back and forth. I was going up to Gothenburg that day. Whilst on the train, I paid my rent for the month. I had 628,56 EUR left in my bank account. I was going to have to take that job. Yet, a couple of hours later, I get another email, with an even more incredible job offer - and the one I really wanted. I read it a few times to understand if that was actually real. Tears immediately started streaming down my face. Could it really be?

It’s been 7 days since I have landed in Oslo. The place where I want to be. Tomorrow will officially be my 2nd day at the job I wanted to have. And, as I write this at a time close to 10pm, the sun is still high in the sky and I feel the breeze gently waltzing through my open balcony door.

I constantly question the choices I’ve made in my life. NO is now the 14th country I live in. I don’t even remember how many jobs I had, how many universities I’ve gone to, how many lives I’ve lived. What I do remember is that I constantly exposed myself to situations where I felt a positive impact could be created. No matter if with political elites, with average citizens, or people who are forgotten by society, it’s always been about trying to make this world a little bit better.

And, for the most part, I felt it hasn’t really worked out. I have often gotten lost in difficult jobs in complex scenarios that have slowly broken parts of me. I have had little career progression due to constant moves. For over a decade, I have barely spent more than a few months in a place. My personal life gravely suffered, too. I gradually felt my colour fade away. 

I would constantly go into cycles of working, saving some money, and then use up that money to find a way to hold on until the next thing came up. I have raised issues that I felt were unethical with loads of people, which led me to burn many bridges. I got fired after 1,5 weeks after moving continents for a job. I left jobs out of integrity and because I couldn’t agree with what was being done. I put my neck on the line trying to hire someone who was pregnant after just a few days in a job. I promised one of my last bosses I’d give her plenty of headaches, but it was always be because I’d be fighting for the right thing. I was once told by a colleague I was a firestarter, as I would speak up if something was not right, even if that would lead to conflict.

But, then again, so what? Who cares? It mostly got me into trouble. Nobody knows about 90% of all of this.  I have very little to show for anything. I could be so much more well off, when it comes to career and finances, if I just kept my mouth shut and swallowed a few things. 

I can see the clouds outside my window slowly dance and drift away, as I write this. Life is not, by any means, fair. It’s also not an equation. Let us not look at the world with anger and animosity. As if it’s a simple zero-sum game where we’re the one who loses while others win. No-one is out to get us. We don’t get whatever it is we may think we deserve - and that’s ok. We’ll keep navigating and finding solutions. 

I moved to SE because I believed I was a part of a system I didn’t agree with, and with that I was losing myself. I had to try and find a place, a project, a position, a system, that I felt made sense. I told my bosses I was leaving 5 months before I actually left, to give them enough time for a smooth transition. I invested my savings. I rolled the dice. I believed. 

When I told people about this opportunity in Oslo, the answer I’ve heard the most was something amongst the lines of ‘that’s amazing. you deserved something like that for a long time already’. I would smile. 

I don’t believe I deserve anything. I don’t believe that all this is the result of anything else. What I do know is that I am incredibly thankful for this opportunity; that I want to be here; that I believe in this project and in the people that are around me; that I want the future that is to come.

Alternatively, I could be back in Portugal, unsure of what was going to happen, broke. And even if that’d not be what I would have wanted, that wouldn’t make me angry with anything or anyone. I also wouldn’t feel like I had failed.

Everything we do, it has consequences. It brings us closer to something else, whether we want it or not. Our inaction is a statement. Our resignation is a statement. 

There may not be a place where we are awaited. There may not be a grand scheme of things. But, no matter how scary it might be, we can always roll the dice. No matter what happens, we can keep smiling. We can hold our head up high. We can keep believing. Good things will keep happening.

03.07.22